An Open Letter to the Occupants of the House On the Nintendo Game Paperboy

Dear Sir/Madam:

I am writ­ing to apol­o­gize for caus­ing dam­age to your prop­erty on “Tues­day,” when the news­pa­pers I was attempt­ing to deliver acci­den­tally broke two of your win­dows, over­turned your garbage cans, and, most despi­ca­bly, unearthed a grave­stone in your front lawn. The extremely haz­ardous and fast-paced side­walk of the street you live on made my adren­a­line jolt, and I had no choice but to pedal away, nar­rowly avoid­ing a tor­nado, the Grim Reaper, and that break dancer who hangs around your house. I’m not sure if he’s iden­ti­fied him­self as a wit­ness to the van­dal­ism yet, but regard­less, I am sorry. I sup­pose I sim­ply do not know the strength of my fore­arm. Please feel free to write back if you require mon­e­tary reim­burse­ment or any other assis­tance of mine. Also, if you see me pedal by dur­ing my route tomor­row morn­ing, resist the urge to run out of your front door bran­dish­ing a butcher knife. It would really help out my stress level. Per­haps some­time in the future I will man­age to deliver the paper to every sub­scriber on the block, and you might con­sider resub­scrib­ing to our out­stand­ing news­pa­per. Once again, I deeply apologize.

Sin­cerely,

Leon Ferri

P.S. Please chain up your dog.

Via� McSweeneys